Day 8 to Day 13: Finding Solutions

So I've been trying to get my sleeping back on track, literally nothing seemed to work.  I didn't bother blog about my days because they were extremely boring.  I couldn't sleep at night so I slept during the day.  Then, I would be up for 24 hours and then sleep for 12.  And it went on like this for 5 days. So, since Monday was coming I planned to do a 3 day religious fast.  Sunday night I could not sleep, as per usual, however Monday night I slept soundly even though I had a couple of naps in during the day. Now that I'm on Day 2 of the religious fast inshaAllah I will sleep well tonight.  But you'll only find out in a future blog post describing my experience.

I started to burn musk incense in my room.  I found the one I've been looking for, like forever.  It's very relaxing.  I definitely recommend it to everyone!  Best. Smell. Ever!  I suddenly felt the need to start praying and meditating.  Wallah thats the best feeling ever.  My mind was cleared of all the fogginess harbouring inside.  Everything was in it's best perspective.  It didn't feel like a chore... just natural.  I was happy, it felt so nice.  My anxiety levels lowered instantly.  I haven't necessarily slept-in when I started burning it about 2 days ago. So relieved! Alhamdulillah.

***

Little things that I noticed, kept me awake at night or interrupted my sleep: the foul smell of my upstairs neighbours' food, having a stressful day of over thinking or hearing about family problems, not eating enough food throughout the day or not drinking enough water, not exerting myself in physical or mental aspects of live.  I can say that I really do lead an unhealthy lifestyle.  But with my messed up sleeping pattern, I feel so depressed.  I usually feel exhausted like crazy.

I know I need to be more consistent with my blog post... but there needs to be something interesting to read!


Take Care & InshaAllah Khair

Day 6 & Day 7: It's ok to be Selfish!

My menses are finally coming to an end! Day 6 was sort of interesting I guess, I felt incredibly hungry.  I was eating just to eat... maybe even out of sheer boredom.  I really enjoy my ramen noodle soups. Like I literally had them for breakfast, lunch, diner, midnight snack.  I had a banana smoothie that day as well but wow the ramen soup was so good.  I guess I was craving salt lol.  I had a large coffee too. And all while chilling on Instagram, I found out that the food I just started to eat (ramen and sweetener), is counter-productive to the treatment program I set up for myself :( I was so disappointed in myself.  I should of know MSG and Sucralose/Aspartame was extremely bad for you (... like I knew it was bad but I didn't know the severity of how bad it really was).  So I definitely halted all use of those substance. Like no wonder I've been feeling kind sluggish and tired.  I wasn't healing, my body was using up energy to counteract the new damage I was doing to it!  WOW I'm dumb!  But it's ok because this is a learning process.  I'm not an expert (experts don't even use their advice lol).

Moving along, I want to start doing more now.  More, as in doing more maintenance on myself. Exercising, being positive, creating a better environment for myself.  Really focus on become a better me, a better person.  The next few days I will focus on the positive mindset, the struggles and how it makes a difference in my live. I've have an Instagram dedicated to motivation, dreams and aspirations.  This was created because I needed to have laser focus.  I read inspirational quotes all day long just so that I don't get distracted.  And it's working for me!  I still can't follow a set schedule but I'm working on it.  I still can't budget to save my live, but I'm working on that too.  I can say that my self-esteem has been better these past few months because I live true to myself in an unapologetic manner.  And this mindset of being true to myself, admitting my imperfections, being humble and modest has done wonders for me.  I let people know that I have high values, that I stand for something.  I don't allow myself to be stepped on by anyone.  Coming out of an abused mindset/toxic environment has proven it's difficulties for me.  I simply refuse to be a victim anymore.  I want to be a survivor, a warrior.  It's a hard step to take after being beaten down by everyone you know for so many years.  It's scary to walk the earth alone with no one to turn to if shit hit the fan and everything turned brown.  The only One I can depend on is the All-Mighty!

The key words in my life right now are: "I want".  I want better for myself. I want to help myself. I want to live a full satisfying life. I want.  I want.  I want!  And there's nothing wrong with that.

See, people might call it selfish and egoist to want something better for yourself... But also keep in mind your friends and family also was good for you, just not better than them.  Even in Islam, you are taught that you can be and not be selfish all at the same time.  It's about balance.  Personally, as long as I don't step on people to get to the next step in life, I'm winning.  I've always been stepped on.  Quite frankly, I'm done with being used and abused.  I'm not even about that life of using and abusing others.  So, understanding this balance of being and not being selfish has help me.

"I've come to terms with the fact that I might come off as an intimidating woman. However, I've done my time as an insecure one & much prefer being this woman who goes after what she wants & drops anything that doesn't want her"

I didn't sleep much the night of Day 6, only to realize during Day 7 (yesterday) I lack mental stimulation.  I recently started Luminosity to help stimulate my brain and get some synapses going.  And it worked!  So that being said, I need to get back to my reading and my learning.  Like actually using my brain.  Alhamdulillah for my roommate because we do have stimulating conversations however we don't see each 24/7.  I also need to start exercising.  My bestie is all pumped to start.  I just hope that she is committed as I am.  It's hard to get support from people, when you're trying to better yourself.  I find, if they don't support you, take a break from them.  You don't need to cut people off, you just need to take more time for yourself and not tell them about it.  The whole "Do you boo boo!" Kinda attitude.  And there's nothing wrong with putting up boundaries, you need to teach people how you want them to treat you.  So respect yourself and people with follow suit.

Take Care & InshaAllah Khair

Day 5: No More Distractions

Time of wake: 11:30 AM
Hours of sleep: 4hrs
Hours of naps: 0
Time of sleep: 7:30AM
Current weight: N/A
Goal weight:130lbs
My mood: Bored, lonely

I woke up pretty cheerful, even with 4 hours of sleep.  I took my supplements as per usual in the morning. Chitchatted with my bestie a little bit and continued on with my day.  It's the long weekend and I really just wanted to relax... However, I answered some emails for some clients and set up appointments with others.  I took the opportunity to manage re-evaluate my goals in life.  Re-read my goals, changed up my plan of action to achieve them.  Then I went out for the night with my bestie.  I know you've noticed my sleeping patterns is a bit off but I'm on my menses so I'm kinda everywhere. Also if I sleep during the day it's hard for my so sleep at night.  If I don't eat a certain amount of calories (healthy foods) I can't sleep at night.  And of course if I don't exert myself throughout the day I can't sleep.  I know so much work but that's what it takes for me.  I'm just so lazy!  The best thing though now I have my bestie on track with me.  She now wants to focus and workout so inshaAllah this will be easier.. that way don't have any distractions.



Take Care & InshaAllah Khair

Day 4: N/A

Time of wake: 10AM
Hours of sleep: 8hrs
Hours of naps: 4hrs
Time of sleep: 2AM
Current weight: N/A
Goal weight: 130lbs
My mood: Tired, Relax


Today I lead a very uneventful day.  It consisted of sleeping and relaxing which is pretty normal because I didn't have a good nights rest the day before. I still woke up and took my supplements. I slept most of the day and watched some television.


Take Care & InshaAllah Khair

Day 3: No Sleep

Time of wake: N/A
Hours of sleep: 2.5 hrs
Hours of naps: 1hr
Time of sleep: 1AM
Current weight: N/A
Goal weight: 130lbs
My mood: Overly emotional

So I definitely didn't get any sleep today! I had made plan to go out and visit my bestie early in the morning which probably contributed to my insomnia the night before.  It had been about 2 weeks since I last seen her, and I didn't really chat with her that much during those 2 weeks either.  There's alway something good about missing someone and being missed by others.  Anyways, I took it upon myself to make her some focaccia bread.  I kinda teased her about it in the past... So I wanted to surprise her.  And alhamdulillah she really enjoyed it!  Something about me you should know is that I love to cook!  It's like a hobby.

Still, like every morning, I rushed to take my supplements, packed some frozen bananas and berries for breakfast then proceeded to leave my house... My friend was waiting outside for me.  I actually happy because I was planning to walk all the way there regardless of the cold weather outside.

It's a happy day, I got to talk to my friend and enjoy good company.  But the only thing I didn't like, to my surprise, was that I was overly emotional.  I know I'm a very sensitive person, but today I just couldn't hold back my tears.  Literally everything made me want to cry subhanaAllah!  Well, I'm a girl, and girls get their menses.  Just this time was a bit overboard, and I'm not used to being like this... and certainly not in public.  Anyways, my friend was so understanding, telling me that it's normal for girls... but it's not normal to me.  So it got my thinking, maybe it's because of the supplements I'm taking.  Maybe it's doing a full reset of my hormones.  Allah knows best.

I didn't drink much water today either for some odd reason. And I didn't feel that exhausted today considering I had no sleep.  On top of it all, I manage to go out to eat with my friend too getting some fresh air.  I will say though, I was dead tired when I got home later on that night, understandably.  I immediately fell asleep.


Take Care & InshaAllah Khair

Day 2: Sleeping & Healing

Time of wake: 8:30AM
Hours of sleep: 5hrs Interrupted
Hours of naps: 5hrs
Time of sleep: N/A
Current weight: 239.2 lbs
Goal weight: 130lbs
My mood: Content, Optimistic, Relaxed

My sleep was interrupted this morning.  I wish it hadn't been because my alarm was very irritating as I hit the snooze.  Took care of my morning responsibility and proceeded to take my daily supplements: "Green" Vitamin (where you get all the essential vitamins and minerals found in green veggies), Kelp (thyroid support), Vitamin D3 (immunity support because I don't get enough sun), Vitamin B complex + B12, and Chlorella.  I also start my day off with an Apple Cider Vinegar + Honey tea every morning because I have a lot of phlegm (for like the past 2 years) and this is apparently the remedy.  So far so good! I've been coughing up a lot every since I began my ACV+honey treatment.  Somedays there's so much that I feel like I'm drowning... I'm like gasping for air.  It was scary at first but I read that it's normal to cough it up.  It's better out than in!

All this phlegm in my body is obviously a result of the food I eat and the inactive life I've been leading.  And all of that is due to my stress and anxiety that has finally taken over me.

My stress revolving around relationships and situationships, that's why I'm taking so many supplements that counteract this problem.  Naturally, I'm really hard on myself which adds on to my difficulties.  But I think that has to do with my upbringing; my parents were very hard on me and had extremely high academic expectations.  At one point in my early 20s, I've reached my breaking point, where I'm completely shattered, lack focus and trying to find my ambitious self that I once was.  I can admit that people envy my resilience and wish for my down fall but without sounding egotistical nor self delusional, I want to let you know that I suffer from Ayn and Hasd.  I will inshaAllah go in to details about it another time.

Today I did a heavy round of spiritual cleansing by listening to roqia.  And I fell asleep while listening to it. LOL.  I know for a fact I won't be able to sleep later on tonight.

Take Care & InshaAllah Khair

Day 1: Off to A Good Start

I want to make every daily entry very simple & brief... I wouldn't want to bore anyone.  Starting off with basic stats:

Time of wake: 8AM
Hours of sleep: 7hours interrupted
Hours of naps: I had a three hour nap... I was all of a sudden drained of energy.
Time of sleep: 3AM
Current weight:239.6 lbs
Goal weight: 130lbs
My mood: optimistic, happy


I can't say that I had a good night's rest.  I've become very restless over the past 2 years.  Sleep has been an ongoing struggle I think it's because I live a somewhat purposeless life.  Meaning, I don't have a set schedule nor anything really planned everyday.  Today I did not workout, however I felt good. Maybe because I have a more positive outlook taking my new supplements.  I am presenting a lot of PMS symptoms, probably because I ate quite a lot of dairy products these past few weeks.


Take Care & InshaAllah Khair

Trying to Commit

It's been a long time since my last post.  I also remember saying that I would post more frequently.  But, I found a little more purpose now, and I want to share it with you.  I want to write about what really goes on in my life ***BUT*** I want it to also be meaningful and helpful to you too.  Not just writing about pointless dramas that occur.  So I'm trying to commit to you all here and also commit to myself.  SubhanaAllah, I find it so difficult to commit to myself... So I want to write about it.  And hopefully, if you also have commitment issues with yourself maybe this will help you too.  InshaAllah!

I'm always trying to figure out what is wrong with me.  I know I have a problem whether it be physical, medical, emotional, spiritual.  I can't focus. I can't sleep at proper times of the day. I have developed poor eating habits.  I have no motivation/focus.  I suffer from high anxiety and depression.  I gain weight easily. I don't like going outside.

I know I'm an introverted person, but this is becoming extreme and unhealthy.  Does this sound like you too?

For the next 30 days I will be my very own gpuinaepig!

So let's break in down

1.  Physical:  I was very active in sports less than 6 years ago... I want to analyze what happened in my life that made me go off track.  I've always struggled with weight growing up; developing eating disorders which made my weight fluctuate. What about the sleeping problems?

2.  Medical:  What's going on in the body? Let's talk about my blood type.  Poor eating habits, sudden change in eating patterns, sleeping patterns.  I truly believe to have a chemical imbalance, but why? and how?  Why do I fear doctors of the 21st century?  I will be talking about my body humour.

3.  Emotional/Environmental:  Frankly put, I've lived in abusive environments practically my whole life.  This definitely plays a big role in my previous, current and future outlook on my life.  I want to explain my challenges, how I've overcome some of them and what I'm doing to stay on track to not succumb to any future abuse.  The importance of having a positive mindset.

4.  Spiritual:  What has meditation done for me in the past 6 years as a Muslim.  What are the challenges I face spiritually.  Here, I want to talk about the unseen, roqia and the importance of prayer/meditation in my current life.

So everyday, I will tell you about these 4 elements (physical, medical, emotional, spiritual) and how they affect me.  I will explain the pros and the cons, my problems and solutions... with a little background story.  I could always vlog about it... but I'd rather save that for the end results.

My goals this year is to lose 100 pounds and be healthy again.  I know, I've been back and forth throughout this entire blog about it but cmon I think I've found the reasons why it wasn't working in the first place... And I'm going to write about it now!  I'm like clinically obese based on my BMI, and that is the main reason why I'm suffering with my unknown health conditions.  NO I'M NOT A HYPOCHONDRIAC!!! I like to think of myself as relatively healthy but I cannot claim that title, not even in the slightest, at the moment because I've come to terms with myself and become self aware that I have an underlying problem that needs to be addressed: I'm obese and obesity creates health issues.  Nevertheless, for every problem there is a solution and I will find them, document them and solve them.  *^_^*

Ideally, I can see myself losing at least 10 pounds each month.  Because of my condition, I have no choice but to eat a full-on plant-based diet.  Honestly, it's just easier & healthier!  I will have to meticulously monitor what I eat and the amounts I'm eating.  Obviously, if I didn't already tell you enough times (LOL), I will document it here in this blog inshaAllah.  Not going to lie, my current kryptonite is cheesy pizza.  But that's also my current poison and I will explain why in the upcoming blogs.  So stay tuned.

Take Care & InshaAllah Khair