Things haven’t been the greatest this past month. Just going through a sever financial crunch. The husband quit his job. It’s understandable, his employer was not respecting him. But the thing is that he wasn’t looking for work and that’s what worried me. I was already facing eviction and I had no money for food. He didn’t know he didn’t want to support me.
I was stressed, I had high anxiety and depression kicking-in in over drive. I was still very new to the city, this cut-throat city. Alhamdulillah my friends came to my rescue and helped me out the best they could do despite their personal problems and conditions. I feel so blessed that Allah sent them to me. They suggested for me to go on social assistance. Something I have never done before and never thought I would ever have to do. To be honest I’m a very prideful individual and to go on social assistance is considered very shameful and embarrassing. I feared what my friends would think of me. Will they look down on me? Will they truly understand what I’m going through? Will the dynamics of our friendship change? I really hope not. Now, you’re probably thinking if they are my friends they won’t think anything of it. But in my past experiences, people can get weird. I don’t want or need their pity.
If it wasn’t for my husband I wouldn’t be in this situation. All he had to do was pay the rent and communicate with me. Instead, he left me alone. I had begged him to give me some money for food. I’ve never beg anyone like that before. I had already gone 2 days without food. I couldn’t believe he didn’t care. I couldn’t believe this man acted like he didn’t know me. One day saying ‘I love you’ to the next day acting like he doesn’t know me because we are both in a trying time. SubhanaAllah. I called my Wali (my guardian), I told him my situation. I was going to be evicted and that I had no food. I told him what my husband has told me when I trying to reach out to him for help. My wali was shocked and told me that I should of come to him earlier. I told him I didn’t want to expose my husband. And that, as a wife, I need to have patience. But now things are really getting worse with my situation. My friends sent me money thankfully and also took me out to do groceries. My wali gave me $1,000 to use for rent. My landlords, however, wanted me out of their basement. It’s not like I was making noise or being disruptive, they just didn’t want me their anymore.
My wali called up the husband asking what’s going on. You know my guardian is a very very nice man. A very good man. I sees the best in everyone and he does his best to maintain the peace between couples. Two weeks go by, I don’t hear anything from my husband, no calls, no messages. It’s like he just disappeared. Can you imagine how it feels to be abandoned? He’s at his parents house all comfortable, eating good food and not having to worry about eviction. I don’t have the convenience of moving back home. My parents thoroughly expressed their hate for my religion. So now that 2 weeks have gone by, I notified my guardian to call the husband. My husband lied to him saying that he tried to call me. He never did. So I took it upon myself to contact his sisters to get him to call me. No success there, they acted indifferent. I then messaged the husband and asked for a divorce. I really wanted to show him the seriousness of my disapproval of his behaviour. I wanted to see his reaction, to get a rise out of him. Does he think I’m a doormat? Well let me tell you, the reaction I got just blew me away. All this time he was trying to find a way to prove that he didn’t have to support me. He got some information from his ‘friend’ in Canada saying that apparently the government will give me a house, food and money JUST LIKE THAT! I was shocked. He called my a liar, two faced and said I don’t deserve his love. But he didn’t want to divorce me. I was so enraged by the things he said, I told him off. I felt my heart implode. I wasn’t expecting an accusation… more like him telling me that he has been working hard these past 2 weeks to save up some money. I thought he was going to try and guilt trip me. Nope he had his intentions to reverse his guilt on me, all because I said to him ‘HasbiAllah wa n3amel wakeel’ which translates to ‘I really only on Allah, HE is all I need’. What do you expect me say when he disrespects me.. ‘my bad’?
Now that it’s been a few days since that episode. I actually wrote a letter of apology to him. I guess more like a ‘just divorce me because I don’t deserve you’ kind of letter. Reverse psychology if you will. I didn’t have internet so hopefully he will receive the letter later on during the day. I fell in love with the person he showed me but Allah exposed his true colours to me. Now, I don’t know what to do. My guardian doesn’t want to divorce me from him. He thinks things will work out. I told him that my previous marriage was a nightmare and that I will not go through that kind of torture and oppression again. I basically threatened my guardian saying that if my current husband thinks he can try me I will show him, that I know martial arts and the I will used it this time around! I was not about to be the ‘good muslim girl’ I once was. It’s going to be war.
I’m pretty much starting my home training right now. This Saudi Arabian will meet the wrath of a French Canadian- Jamaican. And just so we are clear on one thing, French Canadians and Jamaican have never lost any wars.
To end this on a brighter note, today is my 5 month marriage anniversary to my husband.
Take Care and InshaAllah Khair
Duni