All I Saw Was Red

Had my first "fight" with the husband today.  Really it's over a "small" thing... But it's a big deal because it involves trust.  Oh yes the big 'T' word.

So here's what happened.  From the beginning.

As you well know my husband is born, raised and resides in KSA.  Literally across the Atlantic ocean from me.  So I can only rely on believing him and everything his says to me.  I do trust my husband.  But despite his reassurance of profound love for me, I'll still have an insane fear that he will marry a second wife.  So he told me that he will be going to a wedding.  His cousin's wedding and his sister told me so as well.  He he told me that the wedding was yesterday and that he went, and it was good (I made this out of the broken English we use to communicate with each other).

But here's the thing, he didn't take any pictures of himself.  I had asked for pictures of him because let's face it, seeing my husband in a white thobe (long white garment) and shamegh (typical Arab headdress) makes me crumble.  But he didn't send me any.  I thought this was strange.  Deep in the back of my mind I'm thinking: 'Was this really his cousin's wedding, or is he hiding something?'  Well this is my paranoia creeping up on me... almost like I'm hear voices (aka Shaytan, Aouthoobillah!).  I suddenly, and out of the blue, check my What's App and turn to my contacts list.  I see 2 of my husbands numbers ACTIVATED.

My heart starts pumping.  I'm literally fighting the urge to freak out.  All I could do was take screenshots, because we know screenshots don't lie.  And I send them to him asking why does he have 2 What's App numbers activated.  My head is spinning.  I'm completely livid trying to keep my composure, trying to think logically.  I'm literally fighting the crazy side of me.  We've been married  not even 4 months, how could this be possible?  Why would he have 2 numbers on What's App?  Could it be possible that he got married to a second wife?  I'm trying to get a grip on reality but this thought, of my husband having a second wife, was eating me alive.

I storm to facebook, determined to catch him.  There's no way this is happening a second time (I was divorced prior to this marriage... that's another story for later)!  I thought things were going well.  I'm being patient!  I'm being understanding of the situation we are both facing with distance!  What did I do that he could do this to me!?  Do I bore him?  I'm trying to put myself out there, way out of my comfort zone, just because he's my husband!

So I'm on Facebook, raiding his page.  and I can't see his friends.  I can see, however, his followers.  And yes I see some girls.  So with my trusty phone I take pictures of those girls' profile.  I said to myself 'he's gonna have to delete them, if not, he's guilty!'

It was already late so I had to sleep, fighting the urge to cry.  'How could he do this to me!?' was repeatedly said over and over and over.  But then it hit the crazy switch and all I saw was red.  'He's not going to be chatting on Facebook... No, no, he's online!'  I storm to the same site where we met, created a fake account under some old email I can't even remember.

Jealousy is a sick twisted mixture of crack coccain, LSD, alcohol and Meth and I've never even taken drugs before.

I searched for his account.  Found it!  The satisfaction and a victory dance was practically beginning to take place within me.  But then saw the date of last login... it was 4 months ago... When we got married.

Still hurt, now defeated.  How could he have 2 numbers.  I don't know about you but where I'm from that's like red flag for players.  At this point, I'm crying in pain and agony.  I thought to myself, I'm so pathetic and naive to think that I would ever remarry a too-good-to-be-true kind of guy.  Like the man's practically perfect.

The next day I confronted him, since he pretty much laughed in my face (via What's App) that it's in fact his brother's number and not his.  Accusing my of not trusting him.  Ya, like no one has ever heard of that line before.  Seeing that I'm not responding, he calls me on Facebook messenger.  Let's just say there was a big miscommunication.  Because we couldn't understand each other.

Later that day, I spoke with the sister-in-law.  She and I are close, and I confide a lot in her.  I told her the situation.  She confirmed it was the other brother's number and not my husband's.  I explained to her where I was coming from with my thoughts and actions.  She understood and explained on her brothers behalf.  She reassured me nothing is going on and that there's nothing to worry about.  'He's a good man, he loves you so much, you have to trust him'.

I asked her to explain to him for him to understand, if he ever were to talk to her about it.  She knows we love each other.  We just need to spend more time getting to know each other better, that's all.

And all of this miscommunication got me thinking... I need to learn arabic faster.  I need to do this to understand my partner and meet him half way.  I really hate problems.  I rather find a solution.  I hope he can forgive me for my overreaction.


Take Care & InshaAllah Khair

Duni

The Broken Mirror

Have you ever just been so motivated and into something that you obsess over but never accomplish?

Growing up I was so ambitious.  I had the world in the palm of my hand; I excelled in everything I've ever tried... And with distinction.  Everyone had high hopes for me.  I can admit, I'm a people pleaser.  I wanted everyone to be proud of me.  But then I realized I was doing things for everyone's sake but my own.   When I would try to do something for myself, I would fail.  That hurt so much.  I'm very hard on myself because I felt like I had to uphold my honour and family name.  To be the best of the best.  I was like samurai.

I had the pressure of everyone to succeed and the pressure was so intense that it knocked me down.  My parents became harder on me.  My 'successful' life began to crumble.  A lot of people were happy deep down inside of my continuous failures.  And to be honest, the bright, strong and fearless girl I once was became dime, weak, scared.

I'm now afraid of failure as well as success.  I haven't been able to finish projects, I lack commitment.  It's not that I've lost my ambitions, I lost drive.  The mentor that I once had use to be my hero but as I got older I realized he was just a villain in disguise.  That was a hard blow to the heart.

Four years later, I've lived in fear on my own, surviving off of prayers.  I've been trying to build up the brick wall of strength, honour & pride... But this time in my name, for me.  I look back and I honestly can't believe I'm alive and that I've made it this far.  I've got nothing, yet to me, it's something other wished I didn't have.  Just as those who pray to see me fail, are surprised, I too share the bewilderment.  Like everyone else, I have my ups and downs.  I get panic attacks, nervous breakdowns and anxiety.  But something tells me everything is going to be ok.  It's like an echo saying: "take it easy, it's part of the plan".


That is my faith talking to me.  My greatest strength.  My longest and only commitment in life.  Alhamdulillah.



Duni