Have you ever just been so motivated and into something that you obsess over but never accomplish?
Growing up I was so ambitious. I had the world in the palm of my hand; I excelled in everything I've ever tried... And with distinction. Everyone had high hopes for me. I can admit, I'm a people pleaser. I wanted everyone to be proud of me. But then I realized I was doing things for everyone's sake but my own. When I would try to do something for myself, I would fail. That hurt so much. I'm very hard on myself because I felt like I had to uphold my honour and family name. To be the best of the best. I was like samurai.
I had the pressure of everyone to succeed and the pressure was so intense that it knocked me down. My parents became harder on me. My 'successful' life began to crumble. A lot of people were happy deep down inside of my continuous failures. And to be honest, the bright, strong and fearless girl I once was became dime, weak, scared.
I'm now afraid of failure as well as success. I haven't been able to finish projects, I lack commitment. It's not that I've lost my ambitions, I lost drive. The mentor that I once had use to be my hero but as I got older I realized he was just a villain in disguise. That was a hard blow to the heart.
Four years later, I've lived in fear on my own, surviving off of prayers. I've been trying to build up the brick wall of strength, honour & pride... But this time in my name, for me. I look back and I honestly can't believe I'm alive and that I've made it this far. I've got nothing, yet to me, it's something other wished I didn't have. Just as those who pray to see me fail, are surprised, I too share the bewilderment. Like everyone else, I have my ups and downs. I get panic attacks, nervous breakdowns and anxiety. But something tells me everything is going to be ok. It's like an echo saying: "take it easy, it's part of the plan".
That is my faith talking to me. My greatest strength. My longest and only commitment in life. Alhamdulillah.
Duni
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